The Apology That Heals: Why “I’m Sorry, But…” Isn’t Enough
By Moshe Laniado Peleg, Life & Relationship Coach
We’ve all been there. Something goes wrong, feelings get hurt, and eventually, someone offers an apology:
"I’m sorry… but you started it."
At first, it sounds like an apology. But when you listen closely, it’s not. What you’re really hearing is blame wrapped in the word “sorry.” Instead of repairing the damage, it keeps the wound open.
What a Real Apology Is — and Isn’t
A true apology isn’t about defending yourself. It’s not about explaining who started it or proving your point. When you add a “but” after “I’m sorry,” you erase the apology.
A real apology does three simple things:
Takes ownership — without excuses or explanations.
Acknowledges the hurt — letting the other person know you see their pain.
Commits to change — showing you value the relationship more than your pride.
For example, compare these two statements:
“I’m sorry, but you hurt me first.” (blame, not apology)
“I see how I hurt you. I’m sorry. I’ll do better.” (ownership, healing)
The second one creates space for healing and rebuilding trust.
Why It Matters
Apologies aren’t about being right. They’re about repairing trust. When you take responsibility and offer a sincere apology, you send a powerful message: “This relationship is more important to me than my ego.”
That’s what keeps love strong. That’s what builds safety and connection.
Try This in Your Own Life
The next time you’re tempted to say, “I’m sorry, but…” — stop. Drop the “but.” Take ownership of your part, however small it may be.
You’ll be surprised at how quickly defenses come down when someone feels seen, valued, and cared for.
Because in the end, an apology isn’t about winning the argument. It’s about winning back trust — and that’s what truly heals.
About the Author
Moshe Laniado Peleg is a certified life and relationship coach with the Relationship Coaching Institute. He specializes in helping singles seeking lasting relationships and couples who want to overcome challenges and take their relationship to the next level.
To book a free one-on-one consultation, contact him at mishmoshe@gmail.com or visit www.coachmoshe.com.