Why Are We Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable People?
It’s one of the most frustrating patterns in dating: falling for someone who just can’t—or won’t—fully show up. They might be charming, attentive at first, maybe even say all the right things. But when it comes to real emotional intimacy, they withdraw, deflect, or disappear altogether. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
As a relationship coach, I often work with singles who find themselves caught in this cycle. They ask: Why am I drawn to people who can’t give me what I need? The answer is rarely simple, but the good news is—this pattern can be broken.
1. Familiar Doesn’t Mean Healthy
Many of us are drawn to what’s familiar, not necessarily what’s good for us. If we grew up around emotional distance, inconsistency, or conditional love, that can feel like home—even if it hurts. Emotionally unavailable partners may unconsciously mirror unresolved dynamics from our past, giving us a false sense of security. Our nervous system recognizes the pattern, even if our mind knows it’s not working.
2. The Fantasy of Fixing
Emotionally unavailable people often spark our inner rescuer. We may believe that if we just love them enough, they’ll change. This fantasy—of being “the one” who finally unlocks their heart—can be incredibly compelling. It gives us a sense of purpose, but it also sets us up for heartache.
3. Low Risk of Vulnerability
On a deeper level, pursuing unavailable partners can be a defense mechanism. If someone isn’t fully emotionally present, then we don’t have to be either. It protects us from the risk of true intimacy—where we might be hurt, rejected, or abandoned. There’s less at stake if the other person was never really available to begin with.
4. Chasing Over Choosing
This pattern often keeps us in the mindset of being chosen instead of being the chooser. We may find ourselves working hard to gain approval, prove our worth, or win someone’s affection—rather than pausing to ask if they even meet our emotional needs. The truth is, we don’t have to earn love. We just have to receive it from the right person.
5. Unmet Needs and Unconscious Beliefs
Underneath the attraction may lie an unconscious belief that we don’t deserve consistent, healthy love—or that real intimacy always comes with struggle. These limiting beliefs keep us chasing emotionally distant partners instead of creating relationships built on mutual openness, safety, and connection.
So, How Do You Break the Pattern?
The first step is self-awareness. If this article resonates with you, take a moment to reflect:
What does love feel like to you?
How do you define emotional safety?
Do you feel worthy of consistent love, without needing to earn it?
In my coaching work with singles, we dive deep into patterns like these and help you reconnect with your core values, needs, and vision. We shift the mindset from chasing unavailable partners to consciously choosing relationships that feel aligned and emotionally nourishing.
Because you deserve a relationship where love isn’t a puzzle to solve—it’s a presence you can count on.
About the Author
Moshe Laniado Peleg is a certified life and relationship coach with the Relationship Coaching Institute. He specializes in helping singles seeking lasting relationships and couples who want to overcome challenges and take their relationship to the next level.
To book a free one-on-one consultation, contact him at mishmoshe@gmail.com or visit www.coachmoshe.com.